Prank You Very Much
by minderbinder
Summary: The crew of the Enterprise is subjected to a series of lame pranks. What measures will they take to catch the offender?
1. Chapter 1

The sudden sharp pain coming from the seat of his pants made Ensign Paulson yelp and jump forward a little. He spun around vainly trying to catch who had just kicked him, but the corridor was empty save for him and the faint sound of snickering. Paulson straightened his red uniform shirt and headed for the turbo-lift.

Kale Paulson fumed while he waited for the lift. One kick in the pants he could overlook, but five? In the same corridor? In the same shift? He heard the lift doors slide open while looking back over his shoulder. Trying desperately to regain his composure, Kale stepped inside.

"Ensign Paulson, you look a little frazzled," the Captain smirked grabbing the lift controls.

"I...I can't help it sir," Kale stammered, "someone keeps kicking me every time I walk down that corridor."

"Who would do such a thing?"

"I don't know. I just can't catch them."

"Well ensign, it's probably the same person that did this," Kirk explained reaching behind Kale and tugging something off the back of his shirt. With his face showing more than just a little amusement, he handed Kale a piece of paper that had "kick me" written on it in large letters. "You know," he continued stopping the lift, "that has _got _to be the oldest joke in the book."

The Captain patted Kale on the shoulder and stepped out leaving the ensign alone with his thoughts.

" You mean to tell me that someone used an _actual _ piece of paper to _write_ on?" Bones asked in disbelief. He mulled it over for a second as the Captain completed his physical. "If I had something that was that hard to come by, I wouldn't waste it on that old joke."

"Fascinating," Spock said, "I thought you would approve of it doctor. After all, you seem as capable as any of such, so called, hijinks."

"I know your Vulcan mind can't handle something like this," Bones said, glaring at the first officer. "You can figure probabilities in seconds, but try to get him to understand a little humor..."

"Really doctor, I'm familiar with this particular joke as well as over two hundred forms of human, and non-terrestrial comedy," Spock countered with one eyebrow slightly raised.

"Well, you can save the "I'm superior" look for someone else," McCoy growled. "This particular joke fails to be funny to anyone over the age of nine, much less an adult." He paused to pick up his tricorder.

"Bones, Spock," Kirk interrupted from the examination table, "I can't believe you're both getting worked up over a juvenile prank."

"Hardly"

"Who's worked up," McCoy started again, " all I want is for Spock here to admit that without emotion humor is, well, it just isn't humor." It always irked him that no matter what he said, he never could get a reaction from the science officer. _Vulcans _he thought as he held the captain's wrist and counted his pulse.

"Take easy Bones," Kirk said twisting his arm to free it from the doctor. "I know you're irritated with Spock, but don't take it out on my arm."

"Sorry, Jim," he offered.

"Besides, don't you trust your own equipment?"

"I think it's been giving me some erroneous readings lately. Besides, there's just no replacement for human judgment," he said placing an emphasis on the word human. "No offense Spock."

"None taken, Doctor, Now if you're quite through with the captain, I need him to accompany me to engineering.

"He's clear to go. Oh, and before I forget it, you're overdue for your physical. Why don't you come by later?"

"Because I have a very full duty roster for the next several days. That's why."

"Come on Mr. Spock," Kirk said grabbing the Vulcan by the elbow and heading for the door. He was anxious to leave before the arguing started again. "Bones, I promise I'll bring him back before the end of his shift."

end chapter 1

_If you're wondering why Paulson was stammering in the lift, well, he's not a regular, he's wearing a red shirt, __**and**__ standing next to Kirk. Not a healthy situation to be in by any means. I can see why he would be nervous. Next chapter, see who gets pranked, and what kind of prank it will be. See if you can figure out the culprit before they are revealed. _


	2. Chapter 2

"Aye Captain, I seem to have a real problem with one of my engineers," Scotty explained when Kirk and his First Officer arrived. "Lieutenant Grunden refuses to come out of her quarters."

"Why?" Kirk asked.

"I don't know Captain," Scotty replied, "that's why I called you. If this were a fractured crystal, or a leaky plasma valve, I'd have it dealt with in a jiffy. But this..." He trailed off with a shrug of helplessness.

"Scotty, I can't believe that I have an officer on my ship that can't handle something as routine as this," the Captain started, but Scotty interrupted.

"It's not like that Captain, I've tried everything. _We _have tried every thing," he said including everyone with a sweep of his arm. "She just wont come out, and we're all getting worried."

"I'll see what I can do," Kirk said reaching for the com. "Kirk to sick bay."

"Yes Captain?" McCoy's voice answered from the speaker.

"Have a nurse meet me at Lieutenant Grunden's quarters."

"Should I come along?"

"That wont be necessary, besides I'm sending someone to pay you visit," he said with a sideways glance at Spock. "Kirk out."

"I can only assume that you're referring to me, Captain." Spock said as they left engineering.

"That's right Spock, go to sick bay and have the good doctor give you your physical."

"Of course Captain, but now isn't a particularly good time."

"I'll have none of that now. Besides, I'm still feeling the effects of mine, and I don't want to suffer alone. Do I need to make it an order?"

When Kirk found Grunden's quarters, Nurse Chapel was already there waiting for him. Nodding a cursory greeting her way, Kirk pressed the button beside the door.

"Lieutenant Grunden, this is Captain Kirk," he began putting an edge of authority in his voice. "I'm giving you two minutes to open this door before I override the lock and send in Nurse Chapel. Do you understand?" He paused for a second. "Do you...."

He stopped as the door hissed open. Surprised, the Captain entered with Chapel.

"I don' t mean to be so dramatic, but what happened was just too horrible." Shera Grunden said, her eyes still shiny from crying. "I've never been so embarrassed. I just want to crawl in a hole and die."

"Just start from the beginning, if you can,"Chapel asked as Kirk, folding his arms, took a seat.

"All I know is that I was having a pretty good day until this happened, but here goes...."

Lieutenant Shera Grunden was having a wonderful day. While running diagnostics on a bank of sensor arrays in engineering, she discovered a trinary star system. Suddenly she was quite the celebrity and was given the day to spend in Stellar Cartography. After helping document her discovery Shera was not only hungry, but couldn't wait to tell her friends. With that in mind, she headed to the nearest ship's mess.

Picking up her tray, Shera spotted some friends waving her over to join them. However, someone else sat down in the last seat just before she got there. Oh well, she thought, I'll eat now and talk later. So she waved a greeting to her friends, and headed to the next table. When she took her seat, a sudden noise exploded above the murmur of voices leaving a sharp silence in it's wake.

The rumbling, ripping sound that can only be described as monumental flatulence, erupted under Lieutenant Shera Grunden, bringing all eyes, and much unwanted attention to her.

"It wasn't me," she sobbed. "There was nothing in my seat, and it wasn't the cushion." She paused to blow her nose, "I just left my tray on the table and ran back here."

"Well Lieutenant, I think I know what happened," Kirk said, "It seems you're the second person I've encountered today that's been pranked."

"Pranked?"

"First, it was Ensign Paulson, in the corridor with a "kick me" sign. Now, it's you in the mess with an FFFD." The blank looks prompted him to explain. "It stands for Force Field Flatulence Device. At the academy, I had the same prank pulled on me. The worst thing is, is that it leaves no evidence. It's the modern equivalent of a Whoopee cushion."

"Bridge to Captain Kirk," Uhura called over the ship's com, interrupting the Captain's lecture on ancient joke technology.

He pressed the button on a nearby desk, "Kirk here."

"Captain, you're needed on the bridge, there seems to be some trouble on all decks."

"Would you care to explain?"

"I'm afraid you need to see this for yourself Captain."

"On my way," he said,"Kirk out." He left Grunden in the capable hands of the Head Nurse, and caught the nearest turbo lift to the bridge.

"Captain," Uhura started to explain, "there are reports of artificial excrement on several decks."

"Artificial what?" Kirk asked not wanting to believe his ears. He took his seat and immediately hopped back up. "What is the meaning of this?"He demanded a hint of anger creeping into his voice.

"Womit," said Chekov.

"What?" Kirk asked, his patients visibly wearing thin.

"Sir, it's fake womit," Chekov clarified as Kirk picked up the multicolored rubber disk from his chair.

"That's what you needed to see Captain," Uhura said holding up her own vomit disk, "It seems that we all received one."

~end chapter 2~

_Well it looks like the stakes have been raised! The entire bridge crew has been pranked! Is no one safe? In the next chapter, see the prank that nearly causes an interstellar war!_


	3. Chapter 3

"The Ergvainians are a very conservative society," explained Commander Sota. "It is of the utmost importance to follow their greeting ritual to the letter when we first meet." Kirk was only half listening as he fidgeted in his Ergvainian ceremonial costume. People in similar robes and standard uniforms were all crowded into the small confines of the transporter room.

Visiting this new culture with the Captain were Dr. McCoy, Sulu, and Sota. The Commander was a visiting expert on the Ergvainian's, and was instructing the crew in all the nuances of their society.

Just before beaming down, Bones stepped off of the platform to answer a call from sick bay.

" I'm sorry Captain but I have a medical emergency that just wont wait," he said unfastening his voluminous robes.

"Mr. Spock, I believe you know as much if not more than the rest of us,"Kirk said turning to face the Vulcan. "That makes you the perfect understudy. Here's your robes." As soon as Spock had slipped the gaudy mass of cloth and metal over his uniform, he joined the party in the transporter.

On the planet's surface, the Ergvainians had gathered in the square of it's largest city. The citizens crowded the nearby streets by the thousands to get a glimpse of the High Official and all his dignitaries. Not only were they here to see the aliens, but also to catch a glimpse of their oldest artifact. No one on the planet, save a privileged few had ever even seen the Great Ceremonial Sphere of Erg the Mighty.

This gossamer sphere, an artifact from Ergvain's prehistory, is about the same size as a beach ball, but made of spun glass, and bits of plastic. The whole thing, when lit up by the planets star, tended to look like a glistening wad of translucent chewed gum. As unattractive as it sounds, the High Official and the visiting crew have to all hold it up to the light together during the climax of the greeting ceremony.

A sudden silence fell on the masses as the central square lit up with four energy beams.

As the beams took shape, the crowd strained at the barriers to get a better look. When the crew finished materializing, however, there were no cheers. The visages of the Ergvain High Official and his dignitaries turned dark as hushed whispers circulated on the streets. The delegation was not only missing their robes, they were also missing everything else. They stood in the square bare naked as angry shouts issued from the crowd and barricades gave way.

"You really dodged the bullet Bones," said Kirk, accusations crowding his voice. "I can't believe you would do this."

"You can't be serious Jim," he countered, "I have all the logs of my time in sick bay. Spock's reviewing them now."

"I don't know, you seem to be immune to the pranks that have been going around. Why is that?"

"Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a comedian," Bones bristled, "besides you know I can't modify the transporter."

"Ah, you're right, Bones," the Captain admitted, calming a little "It's just that now the Ergvainians want nothing to do with the Federation." Silence shrouded the two in the meeting room as they fell into their own thoughts.

"It would seem that the situation is worse," Spock said as he walked in.

"I don't see how that's possible," said Kirk swiveling his chair around to face the Vulcan.

"The High Official, blames us for all damages that occurred in the riot," explained Spock. "Including the destruction of their ceremonial sphere."

"If you ask me, we did them a favor on that one," Bones said.

"Nonetheless doctor, the Romulans have taken this opportunity, and have made a quick alliance with the Ergvainians."

The Captain leaned back in his chair and rubbed the back of his neck.

"There's probably going to be a court marshal over this, unless we can resolve things soon," he said getting up and pacing the floor.

"If I may continue Captain, I found several discrepancies while reviewing the records."

"That's great Spock," commended Kirk as he paced, "Do we have a name yet?"

"Yes, I believe it to be Leonard McCoy."

The news stopped Kirk in mid-step. He still had his back to his friends when McCoy started.

"You cold blooded devil!" Bones said locking his eyes on Spock, " I was in sick bay during the whole thing. I couldn't have done it. Ask my staff."

"I'm just stating the facts as I found them in the records, Doctor."

Kirk, alarmed by a loud thump, spun around to find Spock laying in the floor, with Bones waving a scanner over him.

"He's exhausted, Jim. If we don't get him to sick bay, he'll go into shock."

~end chapter 3~

_Spock shock! Heh heh. Anyway, Thank you for reading along. For all of you who are waiting to find the culprit, all will be revealed in the fourth and last chapter. I should have it posted about this time tomorrow. _


	4. Chapter 4

"Bones, how is Spock," the Captain asked as he entered sick bay.

"Oh, I think he'll be OK once he gets some rest," replied the doctor. "Right now I have him heavily sedated, but here's why I called you." He motioned Kirk over to a console. "It's a record from last night," he said flipping a switch. A picture formed on a nearby monitor, revealing the sleeping Vulcan.

"Here comes the good part," Bones explained. Kirk looked at McCoy with doubt, but Captain's attention was pointed back to the screen. They watched as Spock woke up, and walked over to the counter. Making sure no-one was watching, he opened a drawer and exchanged a medical scanner with one that suddenly appeared in his hand. Closing the drawer, Spock got rid of the the first scanner behind a panel and returned to bed. Almost instantly he was asleep.

McCoy opened the drawer and fished out the scanner.

"Would you like to have the honors?" he asked the puzzled Captain.

The Captain accepted it from Bones and switched it on. Instantly, his face was soaked with the water spraying out of it.

"Ah," he said wiping his face, "the old squirting scanner trick."

"Sure," Bones started, "it all makes sense now." Handing Kirk a towel, he continued. "He's half human, but he represses that part all the time. After so many years of repression, his personality fractured into its Vulcan and Human components."

"So what you're telling me is when the Vulcan Spock goes to sleep, his human half wakes up and walks around?"

"Exactly," Bones agreed, "that's why he's exhausted. Not only does he not sleep, but neither personality remembers what the other one does."

"Is there anything I can do to help?" asked Kirk, his voice heavy with concern.

"Well, the forced rest will get his body up and going quickly enough, but his other issues..."

"Other issues?" Kirk asked.

"He'll need your help to deal with his human emotions, or this will just happen again."

"Dammit Bones, I'm a Captain not a psychiatrist." Kirk said, mocking his friend.

"We'll both help him Jim."

A few days later, Spock returned to his duties.

"Captain, I'm receiving a transmission from Ergvain," Uhura said.

"Put it on the screen," he replied. "This is Captain Kirk of the Star-ship Enterprise. What can I do for you, High Official?" Kirk said as the Ergvainian appeared.

"Well Captain, it seems that we were too quick to judge over the whole naked incident. We would appreciate it if you would come back and try it again."

"Certainly High Official, what changed your mind, if you don't mind me asking."

"When the Ceremonial Sphere was broken, it actually summoned Erg the Mighty. He quickly found that the Romulans had rigged your transporter. That left them in a convenient position to take your place in our alliance."

"Do you need any help with the Romulans?" Kirk asked getting to his feet.

"No, no, Erg the Mighty has dealt with them well enough, and now insists that we join the Federation."

"Very well," Kirk said, "we look forward to it." As the screen went dark, Kirk called out the orders.

"Mr. Sulu, lay in a heading for Ergvain, maximum warp."

"Aye aye Captain," the Helmsman replied.

Swiveling around to face the Captain, Spock asked, "Why are you in such a hurry?"

"Well, if Erg the Mighty wants to join the Federation, who am I to keep him waiting," he answered, walking to his chair.

As he sat down, the rumbling sound of flatulence overwhelmed all other noises.

"Mr. Spock," said the Captain after the FFFD was spent. "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"I'm just following your orders Captain," he said as a tiny look of amusement played across his features.

"How 's that?"

"You told me to stay in touch with my human side."

"That I did, Spock," he agreed among the laughter of the bridge crew, "That I did."

~the end~

_Well, that's it. I hope you enjoyed the story, even it was a little silly. Congrats to all who guessed the culprit. At least now when Spock uses the Whoopee cushion, he'll remember it. _


End file.
